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Sunday, November 06, 2005

How can Kansas become even more boring?

Last week, Kansas State Representative Shari Weber sponsored a proposal to tax pornography, blaming sex-related crimes on the widespread availability of naked people and cameras. Her move comes as a major departure from tradition. In the past, back when Kansas residents were permitted to have free will, such crimes were blamed on criminals. Now, politicians are calling for the adult industry to help pay for costs associated with the investigation and prosecution of sex-related crimes.

While critics claim Weber's proposal amounts to a tacit confession that watching consenting adults have sex makes her want to rape and molest children, the Republican Representative immediately provided a wealth of evidence unequivocally demonstrating that pornography creates sex offenders out of other people, too.

Well, sort of.

Not unequivocally, exactly. Perhaps "evidence" is too strong a word. Nevertheless, she did allude to "information" that establishes "a direct connection" between pornography and sex crimes. For example, Weber observed that while not everyone who patronizes adult establishments is a criminal, nearly every sex offender happens to own pornographic material. Obviously, it's the pornographic material that creates sex offenders, just as it is computers that create computer criminals, guns that create murderers, and Boeing that created the 9/11 hijackers. [Fun fact: Planes are involved in 100% of airline hijackings!]

Thanks to Weber, the idea of holding an industry accountable for its contribution to sex-related crimes is quickly gaining support. Next week, Kansas Republicans are expected to propose a similar tax on Catholics. Because there is substantially more evidence that the existence of the Catholic Church has lead to a rise in child molestation, it is assumed that the proposed tax on Catholics will be much higher than that on the adult entertainment industry.

But there's more than just sex crimes on the agenda of similarly progressive politicians. Sources now indicate that some members of the U.S. Senate--inspired by Weber's crusade--plan to tax industries not just for their role in sex crimes, but for their role in other atrocities as well, such as murder--and genocide in particular.

In fact, some say it just might be society's turn to hand out guilt-gilded collection plates to the congregation. Rumors abound of a bill to tax readers of the Bible--and possibly even the Torah and Koran--for the numerous documented problems resulting from various religious crusades, inquisitions, and jihads throughout history.

"We're not saying that everyone who patronizes religious establishments is a criminal," one advocate explained. "They don't all lynch homosexuals and burn 'witches' at the stake, but some do, and it's about time that religion started picking up the tab for all the problems it has created for the rest of us."

Praise the Lord and pass the bacon! No, seriously--hand over the bacon.

While some may view Weber's push for prudery as an unwarranted attack on an innocent ideological enemy and a thinly-veiled step towards eviscerating personal freedom, at least she has people wondering about the root causes of evil. In fact, right now I'm wondering if somewhere--perhaps under her bed or hidden away in a closet--Shari Weber has a stash of racy videos that depict politicians fucking the First Amendment.

Slug posted by Carter Laren @ 13:18

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

Guidance from God's Rome garden gnome

Thirty thousand gathered at St. Peter's in Rome today to hear advice on how to achieve happiness from a 78 year old man in a funny hat who has never been laid (it's not because of the hat). At his weekly "general audience," Pope Benedict XVI told his faithful flock that in order to be happy, they must "follow a morally unexceptionable life, against any illusory alternative of success obtained via injustice and immorality."

No argument there, pops.

However, after appealing to listeners' normal and healthy selfish desire for happiness, the pontiff then urged his followers to live lives "without self-interest," emphasizing the painfully obvious fact that this can be accomplished through "loyalty to the divine word."

Recognizing that happiness was in their own self-interest, several confused but obedient parishioners immediately left the service to practice injustice and immorality in pursuit of illusory success.

Much, in fact, like their leader.

Slug posted by Carter Laren @ 22:41