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Thursday, February 24, 2005

God slowing killing Pope John Paul II

For the second time this month, Pope John Paul was rushed to a hospital where men tried desperately to cope with life-threatening injuries inflicted by the pontiff's current employer, an unidentified figured known simply as "God." Earlier today, doctors performed an emergency tracheotomy in an effort to thwart God's latest attack on the Pope's respiratory system.

According to Vatican officials, the assailant has a history of violence. Sources close to the church describe God as an omnipotent three-part being responsible for killing billions of people over a period of several thousand years, although Catholics believe his atrocities are forgivable in light of the many good deeds for which he is also given credit: raindrops on roses, whiskers on kittens, and Nazi Germany.

But God's attacks on the Pope have become increasingly virulent in recent years. Once content with forcing the gullible old man to wear a heavy white dress, a silly hat, and an assortment of ghetto bling-bling accessories, the sadistic deity has been steadily whittling away at the pontiff's flesh for decades. According to a Reuters report, John Paul is now "trapped in a broken body that brings nothing but pain."

God refused to comment on the Pope's deteriorating health, although experts agree that by now he has probably grown bored of watching the pontiff suffer and is bound to kill him soon.

"With gods like that," one appalled observer noted, "who needs enemies?"

Slug posted by Carter Laren @ 19:06

Tuesday, February 22, 2005

Greenpeace gets its whole-grain organic ass kicked

Last week, over 35 Greenpeace eco-terrorists stormed past security and onto the trading floor of the International Petroleum Exchange (IPE) in London. According to one tribal leader, the terrorists intended to halt petroleum trading "to mark the adoption of the Kyoto treaty," a pseudoscientific blueprint for global Marxism often blindly worshiped by environmentalist sects.

But despite an abundant supply of pithy slogans, scratchy hemp sweaters, and tactically-enhanced rape whistles, the Greenpeace army got its ass kicked--literally.

IPE petroleum traders, most of whom were under 25, fought back relentlessly. "The violence was instant...they grabbed us and started kicking and punching," lamented one stunned terrorist. "They literally kicked them [Greenpeace] on to the pavement." Which, incidentally, is where Greenpeace belongs.

"But Greenpeace did not fight back," he added. Of course not: Greenpeace started the fight. It was the petroleum traders who fought back. And won.

In other news, oil prices hit $51 a barrel today: their highest price in three months.

Slug posted by Carter Laren @ 20:40

Saturday, February 05, 2005

Nazis were socialists, professor. And you?

In a bumbled interview last night, CNN anchor Paula Zahn expressed outrage at professor Ward Churchill's unwillingness to apologize for public remarks in which he compared the victims of 9/11 to Adolf Eichmann, the infamous Nazi bureaucrat responsible for managing the logistics of the holocaust.

But why are Zahn and others so shocked? Churchill's viewpoint is merely a logical extension of the ideas that Michael Moore and other Leftists have been advancing all along: namely, that corporate America is evil and capitalism is an oppressive, exploitative system deserving of punishment from seething Middle Easterners.

So long as the Leftist version of America is treated as legitimate, Churchill's characterization of World Trade Center office workers as "little Eichmanns"--technocratic cogs in a monstrous machine of capitalist imperialism--should come as no surprise.

Churchill shouldn't be denounced just for naming explicitly what others have only dared imply. Instead, the entire Left (including Churchill) should be detested for spewing their venomous ideas and for maligning the only economic system ever developed that respects individual rights: capitalism.

Slug posted by Carter Laren @ 15:32

Thursday, February 03, 2005

Wean yourself from the government teat...or offer yours

Any rational person knows that government handouts can cost private citizens an arm and a leg, but a 25-year-old German waitress recently discovered that sometimes they can cost less mundane body parts, too: genitals.

The woman, a former information technology professional whose name was withheld for legal reasons, recently turned down a job offer to provide "sexual services" for a Berlin brothel. Consequently, the German government will cancel her meal ticket.

According to German law, a woman under 55 who has been unemployed for more than a year must take any available job or lose unemployment benefits. Because prostitution is legal in Germany, whoring counts.

Note to socialists everywhere: when one relies on the government to sustain one's life, it eventually becomes clear who owns it.

Slug posted by Carter Laren @ 21:26

Wednesday, February 02, 2005

Happy 100th Birthday, Ayn Rand

"...and I mean it."

Slug posted by Carter Laren @ 22:31