Slugs
shots from the producer advocate
Monday, September 25, 2006
In memory...
In loving memory of Lieutenant Colonel Jeff Cooper: 10 May 1920 - 25 September 2006.
DVC, Colonel. DVC.
Sunday, April 16, 2006
Fraud isn't funny: The sham of Comedy Central's principled irreverence
Comedy Central has spent years intentionally building its reputation as the "anything goes" comedy network by flaunting its in-your-face, off-color, gut-punching, politically incorrect content. It justifies this unapologetic approach to humor with an almost preachy arrogance: Offended by a joke? Too bad; the Comedy Central empire stands on principle.
Or, at least, it did until last Wednesday, when a couple of animated fourth-graders from a small town in Colorado demonstrated that the Emperor has no clothes.
South Park, one of the most politically biting shows on the Comedy Central line-up, dared the network to do one simple thing: show an innocuous cartoon image of the Muslim "prophet" Mohammed. To the shock and dismay of South Park fans, the "no holds barred" network chickened-out. In a spineless demonstration of fear, Comedy Central censored Mohammed's image, even after Kyle (a regular South Park character) delivered a compelling speech about the importance of standing up to terrorist threats in defense of First Amendment freedoms. In the same episode, the network happily aired images of Jesus and President Bush defecating on one another and on the American flag. The message to Islamic terrorists was clear: you've won.
Kudos to Matt Stone and Trey Parker, the creators of South Park, for exposing Comedy Central executives for what they really are: loudmouth braggarts who, when push comes to shove, cower sheepishly behind the steadfast integrity of an animated ten year-old.
Thursday, December 08, 2005
Air marshal program: Is training adequate?
He hit 'em, didn't he?Sunday, November 06, 2005
How can Kansas become even more boring?
Last week, Kansas State Representative Shari Weber sponsored a proposal to tax pornography, blaming sex-related crimes on the widespread availability of naked people and cameras. Her move comes as a major departure from tradition. In the past, back when Kansas residents were permitted to have free will, such crimes were blamed on criminals. Now, politicians are calling for the adult industry to help pay for costs associated with the investigation and prosecution of sex-related crimes.
While critics claim Weber's proposal amounts to a tacit confession that watching consenting adults have sex makes her want to rape and molest children, the Republican Representative immediately provided a wealth of evidence unequivocally demonstrating that pornography creates sex offenders out of other people, too.
Well, sort of.
Not unequivocally, exactly. Perhaps "evidence" is too strong a word. Nevertheless, she did allude to "information" that establishes "a direct connection" between pornography and sex crimes. For example, Weber observed that while not everyone who patronizes adult establishments is a criminal, nearly every sex offender happens to own pornographic material. Obviously, it's the pornographic material that creates sex offenders, just as it is computers that create computer criminals, guns that create murderers, and Boeing that created the 9/11 hijackers. [Fun fact: Planes are involved in 100% of airline hijackings!]
Thanks to Weber, the idea of holding an industry accountable for its contribution to sex-related crimes is quickly gaining support. Next week, Kansas Republicans are expected to propose a similar tax on Catholics. Because there is substantially more evidence that the existence of the Catholic Church has lead to a rise in child molestation, it is assumed that the proposed tax on Catholics will be much higher than that on the adult entertainment industry.
But there's more than just sex crimes on the agenda of similarly progressive politicians. Sources now indicate that some members of the U.S. Senate--inspired by Weber's crusade--plan to tax industries not just for their role in sex crimes, but for their role in other atrocities as well, such as murder--and genocide in particular.
In fact, some say it just might be society's turn to hand out guilt-gilded collection plates to the congregation. Rumors abound of a bill to tax readers of the Bible--and possibly even the Torah and Koran--for the numerous documented problems resulting from various religious crusades, inquisitions, and jihads throughout history.
"We're not saying that everyone who patronizes religious establishments is a criminal," one advocate explained. "They don't all lynch homosexuals and burn 'witches' at the stake, but some do, and it's about time that religion started picking up the tab for all the problems it has created for the rest of us."
Praise the Lord and pass the bacon! No, seriously--hand over the bacon.
While some may view Weber's push for prudery as an unwarranted attack on an innocent ideological enemy and a thinly-veiled step towards eviscerating personal freedom, at least she has people wondering about the root causes of evil. In fact, right now I'm wondering if somewhere--perhaps under her bed or hidden away in a closet--Shari Weber has a stash of racy videos that depict politicians fucking the First Amendment.
Wednesday, November 02, 2005
Guidance from God's Rome garden gnome
Thirty thousand gathered at St. Peter's in Rome today to hear advice on how to achieve happiness from a 78 year old man in a funny hat who has never been laid (it's not because of the hat). At his weekly "general audience," Pope Benedict XVI told his faithful flock that in order to be happy, they must "follow a morally unexceptionable life, against any illusory alternative of success obtained via injustice and immorality."No argument there, pops.
However, after appealing to listeners' normal and healthy selfish desire for happiness, the pontiff then urged his followers to live lives "without self-interest," emphasizing the painfully obvious fact that this can be accomplished through "loyalty to the divine word."
Recognizing that happiness was in their own self-interest, several confused but obedient parishioners immediately left the service to practice injustice and immorality in pursuit of illusory success.
Much, in fact, like their leader.
Wednesday, October 05, 2005
Catholic schools: the new place for action in Seattle
For the past seventeen years, the Seattle city council has been struggling with that age-old question: might there be too many half-naked women in G-strings humping poles for dollar bills in our city? On the one hand, there's that whole annoying "freedom" thing that supposedly prevents the council from pestering the scantily clad dollar dancers. On the other hand, sanctimonious community "leaders" like to preach about the evils of the local sex industry (they mostly prefer to get their porn by mail order). It's a dilemma for sure, and Seattle's city council just couldn't decide: how many strip clubs are too many?Unfortunately, no one ever bothered to tell the city council that it didn't have to decide. The truth is that for some residents of Seattle, one strip club is too many. For others, there can never be enough. These differing opinions can be easily reconciled: it's called the free market, and the city council doesn't have to do anything to make it work. (Indeed, to make it work the council mustn't do a thing!) If more strip clubs open than the community is willing to support, then some will go out of business. If there aren't enough to meet demand, then more will open. Voila!
But since the idea of capitalism apparently never made it all the way up to Seattle, the council spent the past seventeen years mulling-over the question of how many strip clubs are enough--all the while refusing to allow business owners to open new clubs while council members were busy contemplating the issue (which likely involved some "field research"). That is, until a judge recently ruled that the council's moratorium on new clubs was unconstitutional and the ban on new clubs was lifted.
Distraught that its meddling had been undone, the council immediately looked for new ways that the already drizzly Seattle could put a wet blanket on fun. It quickly found one: Disney-fy the clubs. On Monday, the Seattle city council passed a new "code of conduct" for strip clubs. This "progressive" city's new regulations require that dancers remain four feet from customers at all times (no touching) and that tips go into tip jars instead of G-strings. How racy. Obviously, lap dances are prohibited, as are private rooms at clubs. For kicks, the council also threw in a rule requiring clubs to maintain "at least parking garage lighting," whatever that means.
And so, the city of Seattle has made going to a strip club like going to a student dance at a Catholic junior high school. Except at dances you can usually touch 15-year-old schoolgirls from only three feet away, and there are no regulations on the lighting and there are plenty of dark corners. Come to think of it...when's the next dance at St. Catherine's of Siena? I think I might have some business in Seattle.
Thursday, August 18, 2005
Peace in Palestine!
Palestinian terrorists have spent the last several decades trying to shoot, blow-up, and generally maim or kill as many Israelis as possible, often sacrificing their own lives to score some precious Jewish blood. With his people growing weary of the violence, Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Shraon finally stumbled across the obvious solution: compromise.It doesn't take a degree from Berkeley to recognize this as a monumental first step towards peace in the Middle East. Being reasonable folks, the Palestinian terrorists are bound to reciprocate. Gone are the days of leaders urging youth to don C4 backpacks on an imaginary road to blissful Islamic martyrdom. Well done, Mr. Sharon! Peace at last!
As the Israeli Gestapo celebrates Kristallnacht in Gaza this week, let's take a look at the other side. How do Palestinian terrorists plan to contribute to the upcoming peace?
Hamas leader Khaled Meshaal, standing in front of a poster with the caption, Today Gaza, Tomorrow Jerusalem: "Gaza is the first liberation, then comes the West Bank, then every inch of Palestinian land. We are at the beginning of the road and we have not and will not give up our weapons." Terrorist groups Hamas and Islamic Jihad have spent this week training.
General Ahmed Khaless, Fatah Party Secretary: "The blood of the martyrs brought us to this day. The Israelis did not take this step as a gift to the Palestinian people."
Sami Abu Zahri, a Hamas spokesman: "The resistance, which started the victories in South Lebanon and forced the occupation to leave -- it is repeating the same experience now."
Popular chant at a mosque in Gaza: "You Jews, you Jews, the army of Mohammed and the rule of Islam will come back."
Hamas leader Khaled Meshaal, in reference to Hamas' military wing: ''The weapon of the resistance is a legitimate one. The departure of the enemy from Gaza does not mean the end of the occupation. So the resistance will continue.''
Abu Walid, a senior Islamic Jihad commander: ''Our enemy should understand that the state of Palestine is not Gaza. It's from the river to the sea.''
Err...never mind.
Monday, July 04, 2005
Interlude
{Producer Advocate busy producing}Sunday, April 03, 2005
Ding dong! The Pope is dead!
After years of teasing the world with promises of his eminent death, the misogynistic leader of a guilt-stricken cult of sadists called "Catholics" finally died yesterday. Millions of devotees worldwide mourned the pope's death, wondering who would lead them in the next three decades of denying women ownership of their own bodies, glorifying masochism, demonizing sex, and worshiping an imaginary tyrant.
Newspapers reported that the pope's dying word was, "amen." Ditto that.
Unfortunately, according to Catholic tradition the "infallible" pope will simply be replaced with some other old fool in a robe.
Thursday, February 24, 2005
God slowing killing Pope John Paul II
For the second time this month, Pope John Paul was rushed to a hospital where men tried desperately to cope with life-threatening injuries inflicted by the pontiff's current employer, an unidentified figured known simply as "God." Earlier today, doctors performed an emergency tracheotomy in an effort to thwart God's latest attack on the Pope's respiratory system.According to Vatican officials, the assailant has a history of violence. Sources close to the church describe God as an omnipotent three-part being responsible for killing billions of people over a period of several thousand years, although Catholics believe his atrocities are forgivable in light of the many good deeds for which he is also given credit: raindrops on roses, whiskers on kittens, and Nazi Germany.
But God's attacks on the Pope have become increasingly virulent in recent years. Once content with forcing the gullible old man to wear a heavy white dress, a silly hat, and an assortment of ghetto bling-bling accessories, the sadistic deity has been steadily whittling away at the pontiff's flesh for decades. According to a Reuters report, John Paul is now "trapped in a broken body that brings nothing but pain."
God refused to comment on the Pope's deteriorating health, although experts agree that by now he has probably grown bored of watching the pontiff suffer and is bound to kill him soon.
"With gods like that," one appalled observer noted, "who needs enemies?"
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